The Tap

Day 1:

12:30pm

Needed a break from the monotony of unpacking. Decided to go for stroll around new neighbourhood; check out the sites. On way out, noticed strange fixture on hallway wall. Have no recollection of seeing this during initial inspection. Utterly perplexed.

 

1:30pm

Didn’t end up leaving the house at all. Still weirded out by this thing; need to get to the bottom of it.

 

1:43pm

It’s just a tap handle. But that’s the thing. It’s JUST a tap handle. Completely isolated upon the wall; the actual tap component nowhere to be seen.

Perhaps builder was making some type of postmodern statement. Or maybe it was functional at one point, but renovations since made, and somehow tap handle was overlooked somehow.

But why so high up?  Have to get on tippy toes just to reach it. Were original inhabitants really tall?

Tap handle confusing and annoying.

Tried looking around the house to see whether there’s a tap anywhere without a handle which may correspond to hall handle, but to no avail.

 

1:46pm

Just read over all that. Maybe I need a hobby.

Time to stop obsessing over irrelevant crap and go get something done.

 

8:17pm

Am probably being neurotic, but tap handle is freaking me out. Was almost quaint and quirky during the day, but now that it’s dark, it’s taken on a sinister vibe.

 

8:30pm

Just read over that. How can a tap handle be sinister? I need to get out more.

 

8:42pm

Phoned Liam. He says not to worry about it. Says I’m being silly and that random tap handle on wall is hilarious.

Will Liam forget me now that I’m here? He didn’t sound that sad over the phone about me moving away. I bet that annoying April skank is rubbing her skanky little hands together.

 

8:46pm

Just read over that. Sounds a little catty. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever seen April flirting with Liam.

She is a skank, though.

 

9:00pm

Wanted to watch a movie then go to bed, but can’t find the DVD’s. Wish I could remember which box they’re in.

Nothing but static on telly.

 

9:48pm

Static was apparently long, boring, experimental film about getting pins and needles.

Went on facebook, but no real friends online.

Posted status update anyway.  Wrote: “Am I the only one who finds this weird??” With pic of tap handle.

No responses yet.

April has new profile pic. Of course, she’s posing in a bikini. Pic looks photoshopped to me. Caption says: “My hair looks SO bad today! LOL”.

Oh FFS.

Typed “Yes, it does.”

Felt rude and deleted it. Logged off.

I hate facebook. Maybe I’ll just delete my account.

Tap Handle is still freaking me out and if Liam’s name is amongst the “like”s under April’s PP, then I’ll know he’s cheating on me with her.

 

 

2:00am

Just read over what I last wrote. Maybe tiredness makes me jump to conclusions.

Time for sleep.

Maybe just one more FB check first.

April has commented on my tap pic:  “Haha, your a riot, girl!  😀 ❤ “.

“*YOU’RE”, I reply.

Then feel rude; delete it. Write “haha, thx lovely; i do try 😉 Love you! ❤ ❤ <3” instead.

God, she’s such a fake tho.

 

 

2:21am

Can’t sleep. That bloody tap thing. Is there a secret camera in it or something? Because I had to walk past it on the way to the loo again, and…I know it sounds stupid to say, but……I really felt like it was watching me the whole time.

Got up on a chair to take a closer look. Doesn’t look like there’s a hidden camera there or anything. It just looks like a regular tap handle….. except up high on a wall all by itself for no apparent reason.

Feel an overwhelming desire to turn it to see what happens, but am afraid of the possible consequences. What if built-in-wardrobe suddenly becomes flooded or something?

What if it was put there by spies, and turning it is some sort of secret sign to go ahead with something untoward somewhere far away? Like, what if I turned it, and the next day there’s an evil, sundried Orangutan with a basic grasp of the alphabet in charge of a whole country or something?

Ok, that’s a bit unrealistic. But why is it so…spooky? Is it normal for a tap handle to be spooky?

Maybe I’m going mad.

Maybe it’s just the stress of moving; the unfamiliar environment; the nagging doubts about the boyfriend situation.

I really want a snack, but I forgot to go shopping before so all I have is cereal and some bay leaves I brought here from the old flat. And that awful cheap champagne Tilly gave me.

 

 

3:13am

Heyyyyy

Tilly’s chm,p[ange not too bAD actually.

Watched stupid infomercialses and ate cereals out of the packet. Thinking about buying a motorised swirling spaghetti fork. Takes the misery  out of eating basghetti. Protects  wrists from RSI, plus playS  amusing tune while you eat! ( You know- the one about a meatball that rolls away) . SO cool. I’d never get sick of that. Comes with  24 free  gold carrots on a necklace. And if you buy 2, you get a bath mat that looks like a face.

NEED.

That guy on the ad  was sorta hot too. Kinda like santa, but when he was young and sexy. He can empty his sack into my chimney any day if ya know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge, eh? eh? ..I’m naughty AND nice, hahahaha. I liked the way he said  “Aaaaand, that’s not all!”. Saucy. I’d twirl his spaghetti any day if ya know what I mean.

Dunno wht i mean

Whatevers. If it doesn’t work out with Liam I’m gonna try for a beardy fella. Never had a beard.

Checked fakebook. Doesn’t look like Liam’s been on.

Took selfie of myself holding my Aries mug  full of champagne. I look actually pretty cute in my cowprint onesie pyjamas actually.

Posted selfie to Tilly’s wall with the caption: “Tillyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Best moo-ving present EVVAAAA!!!!”

(Get it? ‘Moo-ving’- ’cause I’m moving, but also ’cause my PJ’s have a cow pattern! Hahaha!)

SEE, April? I can be sexy too! I’m sexy cos I’m confident, see? I don’t conform to ANY type of stereo- i’m above that- ijust don’t care. See?  I don’t care about being hot, therefore Im hot! My awesome personality is what makes ME sexyy. I am NICE and FUNNY and LOVELY person. So I hope you die in a shit lake you fuckin cow.

Liam dunna ‘preciate wot ‘e got ‘ere eh. Fuck ‘im! FUCK ‘IM eh!

Feelng a bit sick

 

3:20am

Why’s evthing so SHIT?

My head hurts an im thirsty andim just gonna bcome a NUN ffs  WHY r men so suprficioal and WHO putta TAP on my WALLs????!!! Focken STUPIF.

Nooooooooo chmpgn LEFT (or right hahahahahahaa)

I wnder if the ‘C’ on th tap handel stands fr “CRAP” instead of  “COLD”, and it’s turnd on FULLfull pressure and I don even know

Is not. Fwell off chair. Owchy elbow and head and hip

but no mattr – got back up turned it on to see if anthing happn.

didn’t.

Must go bed. Hungry, but. Wonder what happens if  eat a bay leav. Evrything ouch

 

 

Day 2.

11.00am.

SHIT.

 

12:08am

DOUBLE SHIT.

Not only do I have the MOST brutal hangover in history, ( and bruises everywhere-what the hell???)  I just realised Tilly has her FB wall comments set to public.

Drunk in cow-print PJ’s under a fluorescent light isn’t the most flattering look on me.

Tilly has commented “All class 😉 👌 “.

Liam has commented “Dork. Miss you <3”. Which I suppose is nice.

And of course, April has commented “10/10, WOULD BANG “.

Condescending slag. What is with all this fake nice crap???  All this: “how cute are you?”, and “such a gorgeous gal ❤ ” and “I’d go out with you” and “crushing hard…. </3 ” all over my damn FB wall and photos. And generally right after Liam writes something first…..Why doesn’t she just outright proposition my boyfriend right in front of me already?? FFS.

Heaps of peeps ‘liking’ this pic though. Reassuring to know there are people out there who actually appreciate a sense of humour, instead of just being shallow bastards obsessed with boobs.

What’s this?….Someone calling himself  “The Keithinator”  has sent me a friend request, and a message saying ” U R Qt. 😉  A/S/(hopefully 😉 ) L?”. In his profile pic he’s wearing dark sunglasses and a T-shirt that says ” SEX INSTRUCTOR- FIRST LESSON FREE”  on the front.

Ewww.

Another one. Calls himself ‘Big Donno’. Has PM’d: “If u need milking im yr farmer 😉 ”

Double ewwwwww. Wtf is with all the creepers??

Oh, crap. Just noticed that one of the pyjama buttons isn’t done up properly in the photo, and my nipple is showing.

So much for faith in the human race.

 

12:23pm

Pic deleted;  sleazy creeps blocked. Maybe I really will delete my account.

Sigh.

Oh well. One positive is that I couldn’t care less about the stupid wall tap anymore. It obviously doesn’t do anything.

Going back to bed for the rest of the day. Tomorrow is a new day, blah blah, etc. etc. The world will go on as ever before, and nothing really is ever of lasting consequence.

Laters.

 

 

the-daily-yakweb

***

 

Researching

andywip

So often, I lose contact with people. For no particular reason. We all have shit going on. But just because we’ve stopped talking doesn’t mean these people don’t enter my thoughts at all.

Here is one such person. His name is Andy, aka re/search/er. I did a pic for him a while back, which I was reminded of whilst looking through my folders for something else this evening. He’d liked my drawings, and wanted something re/search/er-ish.  I don’t think he meant a pic of his cranium, but that’s what I did anyway. So instead of the very me-centric thing I was going to post, here ( above) is a very simplified version of the thing I sent him.

Please do listen to his musix – especially if you’re into Atoms For Peace-ish , Radiohead-ish, even Jeff Buckley-ish style sounds/ vocals. Or just really nice electronica. I feel his tracks have a certain cinematic quality. You can still hear him on triple J if you listen carefully ( and if you’re in Aus). If you’re in the UK , I believe he’s been played here, too. Hopefully there are more places I don’t yet know about.

Andy won’t see this post, but I wanted to pimp out his musical talents anyway. All my blogging thus far has really been about me. I know that’s just what tends to happen when a person blogs. But sometimes it’s nice to add some variety. Not sure why I should choose tonight, or this, but it seems as good a time and subject as any.

So listen below for an example of why I think Andy deserves to not only make a living off his music, but to be massively rich and famous for it too. I hope he’s doing ok.

 

 

 

something in the air…

0headachecroppednight

There must be something in the air at the moment, because no less than three of the blogs I follow here have posted today about the subject of depression and the associated crappy feelings that occur when it begins sneaking up again.

I won’t go into vivid detail about my own stuff right now. Those who know, already know. What goes up must come down, and I have to admit that I’ve had a good run of silly moods over the last few weeks, so this crash was inevitable. It will end, and I will be OK. The real me lurks somewhere in between the amplified neon version and the washed out sepia one. She’s elusive, but I know she exists. I will stop calling myself awful names, and I will feel positive and clear again, as I have done before. That knowledge helps already.

The artwork above is not new; I drew this a few years ago. But it does accurately illustrate how I’ve been feeling today ( ie. GRRR!), so here it is! People who have perused my art page will have already seen it, but most likely many won’t have done- especially if they’re “read it from the reader feed(er)” kinda people. So hopefully this will be new to one or two humans out there.

Sending a massive cyber hug to anyone feeling low at the moment. ( And yes, I know; a cyber hug is about as useful to a depressed person as an offer to eat a beret is to somebody suffering from vertigo. However, I’m hoping that my cyber hug has a touch of magick about it, and will somehow- on its way through the ether to you- convert into a real live one from someone lovely. )

 

T.I.P.P.P. (Things I Phind Phunny on Phriday)

Laughter. Is it better than sex?

I’ve always hated that question.

You can have a good laugh, and bad sex. Or a fake laugh, and real sex. Or a fake sex life that makes your friends laugh. Or a real laugh that makes your fake friends horny. Or electric sex. Or sexy electricity. Or drunken sex. Or sexy, funny, alcohol that’s powered by electricity. Or excessive amounts of chocolate, because they say chocolate’s a substitute for such things. Or a chocolate rabbit which, upon removal of its foil wrapper, has an amusingly phallic shape, which makes you laugh, because you’re drunk, but also leaves you oddly disturbed; causing you to ponder the Freudian meaning behind your laughter. Suddenly the lights go out. Somebody’s high-powered sex toy has shorted out the whole neighbourhood. Would would Jung make of this synchronicity?

I sort of forget where I was going with this, but surely these relatable situations serve to demonstrate that some questions just don’t have objective or definite answers.

One question I can with all confidence ask AND answer, however, is: Are funny things funny? The answer is, of course, YES.

So, in lieu of my own creative blog ideas, let me today begin a perhaps-regular-but-possibly-not-regular friday theme, in which I just talk about something somebody else did which makes me laugh and brings me joy.

Today, the laughter and joy inducing thing that I am reminded of is ‘The Micallef P(r)ogram(me)’. It aired in the late 90’s and early 2000’s, starring, as the name may suggest, the wonderful, exceptionally attractive, Shaun Micallef.

(Incidentally, Shaun Micallef has done- and still does- a bunch of great things, which I feel I should talk about…but I can’t as I need to stick with dis ting oim wroitin, roight? Roight.)

My favourite parts of this p(r)ogram(me) as a teenling were the brilliant physical comedy sketches in which Shaun’s characters seemed to be governed by bizarre, irregular laws of gravity. These still make me do one of those accidental snorty things that happen sometimes when you laugh really hard.

See below for an example of the thing I mentioned above this sentence. ( the comedy- not the snort. P.s. unfortunately, the title is a bit of a spoiler, so don’t read it) :

Or, if regular gravity and cats are more your thing, this clip from an earlier show  ( not the one I’ve been talking about, but a different one featuring Mr Micallef)  may appeal:

Note: I do feel a bit naughty linking a EweChewb video of this here, but my justification is that almost  EVERY comedy DVD I’ve bought over the last few years is actually due to me stumbling upon clips of it on The Internet first.  I neither watch nor own a TV ( those two facts being somewhat related), and rely entirely upon word-of-mouth and the interwebs to direct me to new laughs. But  lack of idiotbox or not, I am surely not the only one who utilises the internettles in such a way. Surely the worst thing that could happen here is that my linkage results in one or two new Micallef fans.  Either that, or your computer explodes and kills you the moment you click on the link, making me indirectly responsible for your death. Either way, it’s just nice to think that I may have made some sort of difference.

.

Mysterious competition of mystery

As the title hints, I’m running a mysterious competition. If anybody guesses the nature of this mysterious competition, they win a mysterious prize, which is so mysterious that I can’t tell you about it. There is also no way of knowing whether you’ve entered the mysterious competition, or whether you’ve won the mysterious prize or not. But if you do win, then you will win. Or you won’t.

Good luck!

Anyway, jokes aside, that was no joke. I want to make something cool and give it away- hopefully to somebody whose name I will pull out of a hat. Or to somebody small enough to literally pull out of a hat. Or somebody of average or large size that I pull out of a very large hat…..and so on.

The “something cool” being given away will be a little mini package of miscellaneous curiosities of a mysterious, curious, and miscellaneous nature, which I have crafted in my above-ground lair ( ie. pool*) . Obviously, this is a VERY good prize.

How to enter:

  1. Comment with your best guess at how best to enter. The most imaginative comment will make me smile, and MIGHT make you win a thing. Who knows? I’m a mysterious, sexy woman.
  2.  Disregard the first step and choose to play tennis, or sniff pizza or books instead.
  3.  Await results.

Now. I do realise how ambitious I’m being here, what with my posts averaging at around 3 views apiece. But on the positive side, that greatly improves your chances of winning. Plus, it means I won’t have any trouble fitting all the names into my hat** ( unless you have a REALLY long name ) .

Just to tempt all one or two of you, here is a list of example things that you may already have won in the future after you entered my competition, when time became (becomes?) nonlinear and crocheted up into a mothball-scented time doily on the antique coffee-table of the cosmos .

A:  a type of game- invented by me ( possibly unplayable) to play with your friends and family. Maybe there will be cards? Maybe round dice?  Maybe it’ll just be a sudoku only one square across. Maybe something very different to that. But whatever it is, it’ll be non-stop FUN. And VERY mysterious.

B:  Something arty, like art. A drawing, for example. Or some stickers I made.  Or an imaginary product I invented, complete with beautiful packaging, to distract from the disappointment that the product doesn’t exist.

C:  Something crafty, like a woollen testicle.

D: A little story, all stapled together like a miniature book, with a little cover and everything. When you put it with all your bigger books, they coo and sigh over the cuteness of the little book, but unbeknownst to them, the little book is…. evil.

Oh, it starts off subtlely enough. You get home; you wonder: “Where’s the budgie?”. There’s no way of proving that a tiny book ate your bird, despite your understandable suspicions.

Next day it’s:  “I thought I had two cats..”. You don’t want to think that sweet wee booky is responsible…so you put it out of your mind.

But when Aunty Mim disappears and you find her semi-digested walking cane by the bookshelf, you know you can’t run from the truth any longer. You make plans to destroy the Little Book.

Unluckily for you, Little Book is able to read your mind, and thwarts your plan to throw it onto the fire, by eating a banana and strategically throwing the skin on the floor by the hearth…

Unluckily for Little Book, you are also rather talented in the psychic department, and thwart its attempts by failing to buy bananas in the first place.

Little Book decides to take matters into its own hands, and goes to the market to buy some narnies. But the moment it leaves, you lock the door behind it, knowing it can’t get back in, because it’s too short to reach the handle.

Unfortunately for you, Little Book plans to eat you the moment you next open the door. You must now stay inside your house FOREVER.

Unfortunately for  Little Book, you’re a recluse who doesn’t mind.

Little Book starves to death on your doorstep, and you live out the remainder of your days a happy recluse/ internet shopping addict.

The End.

E:  An egg…. in the shape of an egg.

F: Laundry detergent that makes your clothes smell like you could be my uncle. Everyone will comment on it, and in a weird way it will bring us closer together; almost as though you actually were my uncle, and I, your favourite niece or nephew, or aunty. You’ll end up adopting me, and teaching me how to smoke cigars and build a Harry Potter themed model train station. What dear memories we shall carve into the tree-trunk of the future, which we shall look back on warmly when it becomes the past. etc. etc.

 

So there you have it.  A very clear and concise set of instructions. You know what must be done.

Note: You have 2 weeks in which to enter. If nobody enters, I will enter the competition myself, and await my announcement that I have won. When I receive my prize, I will devote a blog post to gloating over my win, and you will all be very jealous.

* I cannot be held responsible for any water damage your prize may have sustained.

** A cat ran off with my hat. Suggest an alternative vessel. An extra prize will be awarded to the besty suggesty.


It’s raining agate slices again…

Typical.rainingagate

I didn’t look at the page until it was time to add colour. Today is a day of head hurtiness and scribbles.

P.s. I do wish a happy holidaisies upon everybody ( if you do indeed get a holidaisy), and a merry new near and things. To be honest, this is not my favourite time of year..not just because of the financial stress and pressure associated with being expected to be chri$tmassy, but because for us poor southern hemispherians, it’s combined with summer- my least favourite season. Ugh. But it ends eventually, as does everything. So that’s good.

Anyhoo, thanks to the teeny handful of people who have taken even the slightest interest in the things I have written, drawn, and said over this year- my first year as a WordPressington. I’m not sure how long it’s supposed to take for more than 3 people to give a shit about stuff you do on the on The Internet ( or in general) , but I’ll give it a wee bit longer before I give up entirely.

Having said that, I do vow to focus less on internet matters next year, and more on getting over my phobia of 3-dimensional people. There is both a theatre and an Arts Society a stone’s throw away from my new place, so I really have no excuse not to get involved. (Maybe I could just go in a disguise? ).

Anyhoo. Avvagoodun. ♥

Drink & blog #1 Things and stuff and crap

GoodnightHello!

So. I don’t have to be anywhere tomorrow, and my kidly is having a pre- chri$tmas fun minibreak with her Dad.  Conditions are ripe for a drinksies. I was going to watch a DVD, but for some reason I thought it a better idea to blog. So here we go:

Firstly, let me say that getting shitfaced isn’t my aim. That wouldn’t be amazing for my health. Or yours. ( espesh if you read this).  But if i do happen to get shitfaced, then I won’t be stopping me.  Anyway, I’m only on my 8th 3rd brandy .  What better time to do a “not-looking-at-page” drawing than now!

P.s. I just ate a piece of smoked cheddar off the carpet. (Five minute rule!)

You have to guess who this picture is. Of. Here:

Here:

notlookingsherlock

( I coloured it with looking  ie my eyes, but only the coloured bits)

I bet you’ll think it’s The Mad Hatter.

Anyway. A few brandies have elapsed. How fucking cool are top hats??? Please, someone cooler than me please make them fashionable again.  I have one. I had a bigger head at the time I got it, due to my massive hair .  Without sounding too vain, I looked fucking great in mine. But now that I wear my hair short, my head is less voluminous, so my top hat falls over my eyes. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I could cut eyeholes in it. That’d be sexy.

quotesie quote quote; photesie phote phote

waterlilliesbwmoonlightweb

Or  something.

Anyway, here are some waterlilies I was ogling – and photographing- on my extended break from The Internet. Maybe somebody out there will like it. I just have a love affair with light and dark and the interplay between the two. I love how variations in lighting can drastically alter the appearance of an otherwise unchanging object or scene. It’s like magic.

Darkness gives context to light. In all ways. It’s probably a predictable thing for me to say,  but it’s true.

Which leads me to my second offering re: the ‘3 days, 3 quotes’ challenge:

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.” Carl Jung

Anyway,  I was supposed to tag some people to participate in this quote thing! I completely forgot that part last time. So what I’m going to do is invite anyone who happens to read/see this to participate if they wish. No pressure.  I think you’re supposed to do it in 3 days- one after the other. I haven’t, and I’d apologise for that (and for merging it with my drawings and photos)  but,  I’m pretty sure nobody is gnashing their teeth in extreme angst over it 😉

Rebelling at stagnation

Hello. Here is a terrible scan of a mediocre drawing of a not-at-all-mediocre actor playing a not-at-all mediocre detective:

sherlockdrawingphoto

He’s supposed to  be closing his eyes slightly, but it just looks as though he’s squinting. Also, I feel that I’ve made him look more like someone from The Godfather rather than a detective. I’m out of practice. Oh well. May Jeremy accept the apologies I now send to him out there in that big theatre in the sky .

Why did I show you this?  Do you really care? If so, read on.

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