(click on the empty space space to understand)
(click on the empty space space to understand)
Little dents in the ground have collected rain and become portals to other places. Better places. Distant places. I peer in at them with fascination and that familiar longing.
I wave to the tiny people I see, but I know they don’t see me. They’re the same as the big ones up here.
Unobserved, I watch; breathe. I want secret things and I know secret things. I hold the secrets of nothing and nowhere; mapping the periphery of everything and everywhere.
There must be something in the air at the moment, because no less than three of the blogs I follow here have posted today about the subject of depression and the associated crappy feelings that occur when it begins sneaking up again.
I won’t go into vivid detail about my own stuff right now. Those who know, already know. What goes up must come down, and I have to admit that I’ve had a good run of silly moods over the last few weeks, so this crash was inevitable. It will end, and I will be OK. The real me lurks somewhere in between the amplified neon version and the washed out sepia one. She’s elusive, but I know she exists. I will stop calling myself awful names, and I will feel positive and clear again, as I have done before. That knowledge helps already.
The artwork above is not new; I drew this a few years ago. But it does accurately illustrate how I’ve been feeling today ( ie. GRRR!), so here it is! People who have perused my art page will have already seen it, but most likely many won’t have done- especially if they’re “read it from the reader feed(er)” kinda people. So hopefully this will be new to one or two humans out there.
Sending a massive cyber hug to anyone feeling low at the moment. ( And yes, I know; a cyber hug is about as useful to a depressed person as an offer to eat a beret is to somebody suffering from vertigo. However, I’m hoping that my cyber hug has a touch of magick about it, and will somehow- on its way through the ether to you- convert into a real live one from someone lovely. )
Hello. Here is a terrible scan of a mediocre drawing of a not-at-all-mediocre actor playing a not-at-all mediocre detective:
He’s supposed to be closing his eyes slightly, but it just looks as though he’s squinting. Also, I feel that I’ve made him look more like someone from The Godfather rather than a detective. I’m out of practice. Oh well. May Jeremy accept the apologies I now send to him out there in that big theatre in the sky .
Why did I show you this? Do you really care? If so, read on.
It took a lot of effort to convince myself to draw today. I no longer seem to derive any joy from it, which is a shame, seeing as I used to do quite a bit of arty stuff ( here; let me prove it). Where does that passion and enthusiasm go, I wonder? Well, actually, I don’t wonder. I know very well that it gets swallowed up by the ravenous parasite that is Depression. It’s the reason behind my inability to reclaim/retain enthusiasm for anything for longer than 5 minutes, and also the cause of the dust on my guitars, the withdrawal of my friendship from others, and the panic that my options in life are running out; the day the last ship sails- leaving me behind for good- rapidly drawing near.
Pardon the Debbie Downerism in this space which I generally reserve for the convenient escapism of nonsense and absurdity. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to achieve from it save the vague chance that it will prove relatable in some way, thus somehow providing for myself -and the people who do relate- some sort of reassurance that the experience isn’t purely a solo one.
Anyway, this drawing may not have been any fun to do, but it is nice to have some sort of evidence of having made an effort. When effort is possible, it can’t be too bad. Sending my love to anybody out there struggling with similar. Lord knows we’re only really allowed to exist on The Internet ( and then, only in certain shadowy corners) , so the least we can do is acknowledge one another on this one safe bullshit-free corner we seem to have here.
Self Acceptance for Fuckwits
(not-looking-at-page drawing w/ some actually- looking shading as afterthought)
*biro in sketchbook*
been listening to some music which makes me feel reflective, so it felt the right time to post foters of reflective surfaces.
1.Monochromatic shitter/ the word
4. Not Irish
8. Chaotic vowel party
9. Mother Aeroplanes teach this skill to their young by throwing them off driveways
10. A snake at rest, in peaceful ________
11. Unlow as a fabric diamond on the wind
12. Nothing like a duck/ rhymes with laces/ more than one one
13. Check out these oysters, they’re a great ______
18. Stop signs introduce themselves as such to make spiders/octopus feel more at home
19. The ______ of this puzzle is hella cute
20. Rhymes with brick glue/ a snail plant won’t yield snails unless you _____ it
21. Apparently it’s small
22. Print this out, eat it, and get ____ OR place it on your foot, OR describe what this crossword does, and such.
2. Potato snorting/ mystical pea in love with a flea/ ate my house key
3. The collective term for dresses
4. In god, tomatoes _____
5. Confused/ amused/ bemused/ perploosed/ shamoozed/ _______
6. Not Turkish
7. Gee, why can’t ‘H’ walk in a straight line?
14. Mixed lollies= contradictory sweets= mixed _______
15. The Golden Gate Bridge is a feat of modern _______ engineering
17. This music is messed up
20. Something mighty, with staining fuel