Insomnia self-portrait with bed hair and falling-off mouth (with bonus demon not worth facing)

notlookingmeagainBedHairMou

*black biro ( not looking) and watercolour pencils ( looking)*

I can’t complain about not sleeping tonight, as I had a great sleep last night. Also had a fantastic dream that as I lay in bed, a garden of sumptuous, jewel coloured satin and velvet flowers began growing upon the ceiling. The flowers looked like butterfly wings under a scanning electron miscroscope, but much bigger, and as I watched, they began growing faster and faster- extending down the walls in glorious stained-glass-vivid vines. It was so beautiful that I felt I must get out of bed and show someone. But then the thought crossed my mind that the flowers- now growing at quite a pace- might grow over the doorway- locking me out if I left….. or, alternatively- if I stayed- trapping me within this  butterflyflower garden all by myself, with nobody to share it with. As I had this thought, some large ants, (which were running for cover from the flowers) trickled down the wall, and to my horror, one jumped into my bed. I woke up brushing invisible ants off me.

 

Mysterious competition of mystery

As the title hints, I’m running a mysterious competition. If anybody guesses the nature of this mysterious competition, they win a mysterious prize, which is so mysterious that I can’t tell you about it. There is also no way of knowing whether you’ve entered the mysterious competition, or whether you’ve won the mysterious prize or not. But if you do win, then you will win. Or you won’t.

Good luck!

Anyway, jokes aside, that was no joke. I want to make something cool and give it away- hopefully to somebody whose name I will pull out of a hat. Or to somebody small enough to literally pull out of a hat. Or somebody of average or large size that I pull out of a very large hat…..and so on.

The “something cool” being given away will be a little mini package of miscellaneous curiosities of a mysterious, curious, and miscellaneous nature, which I have crafted in my above-ground lair ( ie. pool*) . Obviously, this is a VERY good prize.

How to enter:

  1. Comment with your best guess at how best to enter. The most imaginative comment will make me smile, and MIGHT make you win a thing. Who knows? I’m a mysterious, sexy woman.
  2.  Disregard the first step and choose to play tennis, or sniff pizza or books instead.
  3.  Await results.

Now. I do realise how ambitious I’m being here, what with my posts averaging at around 3 views apiece. But on the positive side, that greatly improves your chances of winning. Plus, it means I won’t have any trouble fitting all the names into my hat** ( unless you have a REALLY long name ) .

Just to tempt all one or two of you, here is a list of example things that you may already have won in the future after you entered my competition, when time became (becomes?) nonlinear and crocheted up into a mothball-scented time doily on the antique coffee-table of the cosmos .

A:  a type of game- invented by me ( possibly unplayable) to play with your friends and family. Maybe there will be cards? Maybe round dice?  Maybe it’ll just be a sudoku only one square across. Maybe something very different to that. But whatever it is, it’ll be non-stop FUN. And VERY mysterious.

B:  Something arty, like art. A drawing, for example. Or some stickers I made.  Or an imaginary product I invented, complete with beautiful packaging, to distract from the disappointment that the product doesn’t exist.

C:  Something crafty, like a woollen testicle.

D: A little story, all stapled together like a miniature book, with a little cover and everything. When you put it with all your bigger books, they coo and sigh over the cuteness of the little book, but unbeknownst to them, the little book is…. evil.

Oh, it starts off subtlely enough. You get home; you wonder: “Where’s the budgie?”. There’s no way of proving that a tiny book ate your bird, despite your understandable suspicions.

Next day it’s:  “I thought I had two cats..”. You don’t want to think that sweet wee booky is responsible…so you put it out of your mind.

But when Aunty Mim disappears and you find her semi-digested walking cane by the bookshelf, you know you can’t run from the truth any longer. You make plans to destroy the Little Book.

Unluckily for you, Little Book is able to read your mind, and thwarts your plan to throw it onto the fire, by eating a banana and strategically throwing the skin on the floor by the hearth…

Unluckily for Little Book, you are also rather talented in the psychic department, and thwart its attempts by failing to buy bananas in the first place.

Little Book decides to take matters into its own hands, and goes to the market to buy some narnies. But the moment it leaves, you lock the door behind it, knowing it can’t get back in, because it’s too short to reach the handle.

Unfortunately for you, Little Book plans to eat you the moment you next open the door. You must now stay inside your house FOREVER.

Unfortunately for  Little Book, you’re a recluse who doesn’t mind.

Little Book starves to death on your doorstep, and you live out the remainder of your days a happy recluse/ internet shopping addict.

The End.

E:  An egg…. in the shape of an egg.

F: Laundry detergent that makes your clothes smell like you could be my uncle. Everyone will comment on it, and in a weird way it will bring us closer together; almost as though you actually were my uncle, and I, your favourite niece or nephew, or aunty. You’ll end up adopting me, and teaching me how to smoke cigars and build a Harry Potter themed model train station. What dear memories we shall carve into the tree-trunk of the future, which we shall look back on warmly when it becomes the past. etc. etc.

 

So there you have it.  A very clear and concise set of instructions. You know what must be done.

Note: You have 2 weeks in which to enter. If nobody enters, I will enter the competition myself, and await my announcement that I have won. When I receive my prize, I will devote a blog post to gloating over my win, and you will all be very jealous.

* I cannot be held responsible for any water damage your prize may have sustained.

** A cat ran off with my hat. Suggest an alternative vessel. An extra prize will be awarded to the besty suggesty.


Drink & blog #1 Things and stuff and crap

GoodnightHello!

So. I don’t have to be anywhere tomorrow, and my kidly is having a pre- chri$tmas fun minibreak with her Dad.  Conditions are ripe for a drinksies. I was going to watch a DVD, but for some reason I thought it a better idea to blog. So here we go:

Firstly, let me say that getting shitfaced isn’t my aim. That wouldn’t be amazing for my health. Or yours. ( espesh if you read this).  But if i do happen to get shitfaced, then I won’t be stopping me.  Anyway, I’m only on my 8th 3rd brandy .  What better time to do a “not-looking-at-page” drawing than now!

P.s. I just ate a piece of smoked cheddar off the carpet. (Five minute rule!)

You have to guess who this picture is. Of. Here:

Here:

notlookingsherlock

( I coloured it with looking  ie my eyes, but only the coloured bits)

I bet you’ll think it’s The Mad Hatter.

Anyway. A few brandies have elapsed. How fucking cool are top hats??? Please, someone cooler than me please make them fashionable again.  I have one. I had a bigger head at the time I got it, due to my massive hair .  Without sounding too vain, I looked fucking great in mine. But now that I wear my hair short, my head is less voluminous, so my top hat falls over my eyes. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I could cut eyeholes in it. That’d be sexy.

sad sketchy sunday

deerigami.jpg

It took a lot of effort to convince myself to draw today. I no longer seem to derive any joy from it, which is a shame, seeing as I used to do quite a bit of arty stuff ( here; let me prove it).  Where does that passion and enthusiasm go, I wonder? Well, actually, I don’t wonder. I know very well that it gets swallowed up by the ravenous parasite that is Depression. It’s the reason behind my inability to reclaim/retain enthusiasm for anything for longer than 5 minutes, and also the cause of the dust on my guitars, the withdrawal of my friendship from others, and the panic that my options in life are running out; the day  the last ship sails- leaving me behind for good- rapidly drawing near.

Pardon the Debbie Downerism in this space which I generally reserve for the convenient escapism of nonsense and absurdity. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to achieve from it save  the vague chance that it will prove relatable in some way, thus somehow providing for myself -and the people who do relate- some sort of reassurance that the experience isn’t purely a solo one.

Anyway, this drawing may not have been any fun to do, but it is nice to have some sort of evidence of having made an effort. When effort is possible, it can’t be too bad. Sending my love to anybody out there struggling with similar. Lord knows we’re only really allowed to exist on The Internet ( and then, only in certain shadowy corners) , so the least we can do is acknowledge one another on this one safe bullshit-free corner we seem to have here.

 

 

absurdistword

crypticcrossword1

Directions:

  • Print out  ( this step can be skipped in favour of not knowing this post exists).
  • Realise that  nobody  would be able to complete this  (if they do, i’ll personally send them an original absurdist novel, handwritten entirely on a block of post-it notes, plus a balloon with a drawing on it of the Mona Lisa eating sushi on the wing of an aeroplane ). Read as a surrealist poem- either in silence, or out loud as ART.
  • Use printout  as interesting giftwrap/ inefficient toilet paper.
  • Pity me.
  • Continue living your life.

 

ACROSS:

1.Monochromatic shitter/ the word

4. Not Irish

8. Chaotic vowel party

9. Mother Aeroplanes teach this skill to their young by throwing them off driveways

10. A snake at rest, in peaceful ________

11. Unlow as a fabric diamond on the wind

12. Nothing like a duck/ rhymes with laces/ more than one one

13. Check out these oysters, they’re a great ______

16. Beebopnbeedoowablahblahndoodatndoodatbahwupmboo

18. Stop signs introduce themselves as such to make spiders/octopus feel more at home

19. The ______ of this puzzle is hella cute

20. Rhymes with brick glue/ a snail plant won’t yield snails  unless you  _____ it

21.  Apparently it’s small

22. Print this out, eat it, and get ____ OR place it on your foot, OR describe what this crossword does, and such.

DOWN:

2. Potato snorting/ mystical pea in love with a flea/ ate my house key

3. The collective term for dresses

4. In god, tomatoes _____

5. Confused/ amused/ bemused/ perploosed/ shamoozed/ _______

6. Not Turkish

7. Gee, why can’t ‘H’ walk in a straight line?

14. Mixed lollies= contradictory sweets= mixed _______

15. The Golden Gate Bridge is a feat of modern _______ engineering

17.  This music is messed up

20.  Something mighty, with staining fuel

 

And now for something completely different:

One misty morn i did find an alien egge upon mine doorsteppe. I did picke up ye olde ( yunge?) alien egge and declare ” O emme gee!” For i knew not what it were. For mine own jolly delites i did beat it harshly to see if ‘twould asplode into smithereenthsths. Alas, ‘tdid not. Instead this unhouly egge begun a songe in his own unhouly tongue. My very real and not imagined friende from yonder future was presente this morn, and captured images and sound on his devil’s device  ( Reely- t’was not just me filleming my own self).  Alas, ’tis a boringe compendium of movinge imagesth, but if ye behold simultaneously thine view on screen above of pastoral landscape, P’raps the alien crie could be interpreted by thine earsocketeth.