Not coping

As in I’m.

I don’t sleep properly; I’m always exhausted. I ache. When a weekend coincides with my kid going to spend time at her Dad’s place, I take pills that make me finally sleep. I can’t take them any other time, as they make me too groggy the next day to function properly, meaning that although I finally get some restorative sleep ( about 14 hours on average!) I also get nothing productive (let alone interesting and fulfulling)  done the next day due to the fact that I feel so out-of-it. So much for making the most of the weekend.

My life feels meaningless, and I am deeply unhappy. I do experience short bursts of positivity, thanks to an ability to laugh, and to appreciate creativity and the beauty of nature. But these little moments are so quickly swallowed up again by the darkness, which is always there, waiting to devour me again and again. It’s happened my entire life ( even as a kid), and I’m running out of stamina.

I love my daughter infinitely; she is creative, curious, funny, compassionate, empathetic, and intelligent beyond her years. She’s my one anchor to this planet, but that’s a bittersweet thing when that planet is a place that you feel you don’t belong in.

Sorry. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sick of pretending to be ok when I’m really not. I feel so utterly hopeless. I’ve tried so many things, and nothing ever feels right. There’s always this gaping hole in my life that nothing seems to fill. No relationship, hobby, or form of spirituality has ever made much of a difference. It’s like  there’s a missing part of me that’s hidden somewhere inaccessible, like on the moon, or at the bottom of the ocean or something. There’s this constant feeling of being homesick for somewhere I’ve never been; missing someone I’ve never met. No matter where I go, I feel like an alien. I even hypothesise that perhaps I was supposed to be a twin, and the twin died early on in-utero, and that’s why I feel this way. An explanation for the duality themes: the bipolar thing; the fact I’m a Gemini, the way my best friend in highschool was a girl with the same -yet decidedly uncommon- name who moved to my tiny country school from a small island. The way another great friend was a twin, and another close friend at Uni another twin. It seems silly to mention it, but it’s a thought I occasionally have, and it conveniently explains away this feeling of emptiness and incompletion.

Of course, my birthday is looming ( this will mark my final year of being in my 30’s) and I do tend to be extra existential crisis-y around this time of year, as I look back on all my failures and unfulfilled dreams, and realise with horror what a complete non-event I turned out to be. I don’t even have the basic things that even the most moronic and obnoxious individuals seem to have found, like a career direction that they find fulfilling, or a partner. And the older I get, the less likely it seems that either of those things will happen; the more obvious it becomes that maybe this is all there is. This is it. Mediocrity upon mediocrity then death. The end.

I’m sorry. I don’t expect comments or advice. I’m just sick of pretending I’m ok. I don’t think anything is going to help, anyway. I’ve been to countless psychologists; taken medication after medication. Thing is, nothing is ever going to bring back the huge chunks of life that this darkness has claimed. Nothing is going to halt time so that I can catch up with everyone. Nothing is going to turn me into someone else; someone competent; better. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. If I was religious, I’d ask for a miracle.

I’m supremely grateful to the lovely people who have made the effort to chat to me here- it does help me feel slightly less alone. It’s the only reason I blog, to be honest. To communicate; to feel a sense of connection. But I increasingly find that I have less and less to communicate. Nothing of value, anyway. I have no interesting stories to tell; no useful advice to offer. No special skills or talents to wow anyone with. I am essentially nothing. I don’t know what to do, apart from go away again; hide myself away until the next 5 minute surge of energy compels me to get overly excited about something nobody else really cares about, or to create my latest mediocre attempt at “art”, only to sink back into depression again as quickly as I emerged from it.  There are only 2 settings, it seems: waaay too fucking ON or completely OFF. No inbetween. The cycle is tiresome to say the least.

I’m sorry I’m such a downer. Sorry this is so badly written. I’m rambling and incoherent. (At least that’s a consistent theme). Don’t think I don’t appreciate the friendliness I’m shown here by the few kind souls I encounter here. I really do appreciate it. I’m just so tired, and tired of being tired. For my daughter’s sake, I’m trying not to think about ending it all. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t contemplated it on at least a weekly basis for the last few years. I almost managed it years ago- before my daughter came along. A flatmate’s earlier than scheduled return home prevented my successful departure. I can’t say I was grateful. I resent being chained to a world that feels so alien, and which clearly has no place for me. I thought moving somewhere full of natural beauty would help. I guess I can’t move away from myself. don’t know what to do.

Again, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I’m very much lost. I’ll be back if I can ever muster something worth sharing. In the meantime, if you read this far, I’m impressed and eternally sorry. Stay cool.

 

 

 

 

Hazel the Bunny Pasteleriser*

laserbunnyscanWeb

 

I found a cute little framed print at my local op-shop ( aka ‘thrift store’ for any U.S readers), and decided to amp it up for an appearance on my walls. I got the idea to do so from this amazing article ( or, the brilliantly clever and funny artists featured there, rather).

It’s probably obvious which parts are my additions, but in the bizarre event that it’s not, I added the eye lasers and the pastel hues on the bunny babbits. I’ve no idea what the original work is, or who it’s by ( sorry!), but I immediately felt that the little girl’s name was Hazel. She looks like a Hazel. A Hazel that won’t stand for colourless rabbits. Good for you, Hazel. You do your thing, girl.

I envisage more projects like this in the near future. I think it will make me feel less sad. I actually picked up a few little piccies this afternoon which I have plans for, so hopefully I’ll be able to share those soon. They’re just prints, but I’m hoping to stumble upon some actual paintings soon, so that I can sink my teeth back into the painting action, just like olde thymes! (There was one HUUUUGE painting I saw this arvo which I covet, and which was ridonkulously cheap, but which I wasn’t able to carry this afternoon, what with all my groceries. Hopefully it will still be there next week! Crossyfingies! )

 

 

* a person with the compulsion AND skill to transform the coats of colourless rabbits into pastel hues using laser beams which emanate from said person’s** eyes. It’s a pretty niche thing.

** Bunny Pastelerisers are also known asHue-man-ipulators of the Boing”*** in some circles.

*** They are also known as “Thumpergazzumpers”  in yet other circles****

****ovals*****

***** something something

 

 

 

 

Let’s talk about how music is actually magic ( and stuff and things)

I’ve been having a lot of feelings lately, and music has been helping me to live with ( as opposed to cope with) these feelings, and as a result I’ve been having as many thoughts as feelings. I won’t bore you with these ( well, maybe a few…sorry..), but don’t you think there’s something quite magical about music?  When you think about it, it’s pretty much a mind altering drug. It can make you cry, or move your limbs around in an ungraceful ( if you’re me) fashion, or inspire you, or excite you, or even make you feel like you’re in love. Listening to a piece of music can be quite the emotional workout, and at times I find I can’t bear to listen to any music for just that reason. How weird is it that innocent little sound waves can have such an effect on us physically? I dunno about you, but that amazes me.

Another thing that’s pretty cool about music is the way it unites people. Go to any concert, and when the music gets going, it feels as though the entire audience are your friends. I generally hate crowds, and definitely need a drink  in order to relax enough to not panic at a concert, but by the end of the first track, I feel connected and safe. Everyone is there for the same reason, and the collective love is palpable. And just how cool is it when you meet someone who has the same taste in music as you?  There’s something really lovely about getting excited about something with a complete stranger. Bullshit smalltalk falls away, and you connect. It’s nice.

Ok. So, this post does have a point, and I will get to it now. I’m going to list and link a few tunes. These will be tunes that represent pivotal moments for me, due to the artists performing them having a profound influence on me/ my life. I don’t expect anyone to sit through all of them ( and I can’t possibly post ALL of them anyway, or I’d be here all evening), but what I would like is if you ( if you’ve read this far) could list/ link in the comments some “life changers” of your own if you have any. I want to know about what really floors you musically, and with any luck it’ll be stuff I haven’t heard of which will also floor me. I’m generally up for being floored by amazing sounds.

Alrighty then. Here is my teeny selection:

1.  Manu Delago and Christoph Pepe Auer: “Abstract Damensattel”. Manu Delago is the reason I got into percussion a few years ago. This vid I’m sharing here isn’t one of the initial “OMG! I MUST LEARN HOW TO DO THAT” inducing tracks that I heard from him, but it does remind me of when I got to see these two guys play live, and that memory makes me happy, because they were brilliant. Manu is very adorable and funny, and when I saw him, things like this happened, and my massive crush on him had greatly intensified by the end of the show.

Anyway, I hope someone out there enjoys this track, and gets a giggle from Manu’s ridiculous wig ( and the hilariously still audience! I’m not sure how people can remain so composed; when I saw them I was involuntarily chair-dancing like an unhinged bobblehead).

2.  Björk: “Isobel”.  There are too many amazing Björk tracks to list here, and “Isobel” is by no means my favourite. But when I first heard this song as an angsty teenling, I was enchanted. I’d been mostly listening to guitary stuff at that stage, but Björk opened my punky little eyes, ears, and mind to a whole new world.

This clip is beautiful, but always makes me a little sad. The relevance of the solo woman keeping safe in her own little world is much more acute now than it ever has been. The prospect of growing old alone can be depressing and frightening, but the prospect of falling in love can be equally so. To place your heart in someone else’s hands seems a reckless act. Is it a brave or stupid thing to do? Probably both. I’ll go out on a limb and guess that maybe ‘crazy-single-mother-in-her-late-30’s’ isn’t anybody’s type‘, anyway. But given that there are certifiable twats out there with all the charisma of a mouldy toilet bowl who still managed to find partners who think the sun shines out of their arse, who fucking knows what’s going on with the “L” word. I’m getting too tired for this shit. Maybe it could be liberating to be a Crazy Cat Lady. I don’t know.

3.  Soundgarden: “Jesus Christ Pose”.  This is something that I’ve also loved since highschool. The first time I saw the filmclip to this on ‘Rage’, the ‘HOLY FUCK’ factor of the whole thing was overwhelming. Not just because I was a hormonal teenage girl and Chris Cornell was hot, but because of the energy of it. A lot of grungey stuff going around at the time was your typical half arsed 3 chord dealy with sloppy guitars and half asleep sounding vocals that sounded like something a bunch of your drunk friends at a party could’ve recorded. I still loved all that stuff regardless, but Soundgarden sounded like they could actually play quite well, and this particular track excited me with its screamy-but-somehow-still-in-tune vocals, fierce guitars, and manic drums. I spent my remaining teen years ( and most of my 20’s) trying to become a Guitar God, and I feel that this track was one of the inspirations for that.

4. Wintergatan: “Paradis”.  Yes, it’s no secret; I’ve become quite the Wintergatan/ Martin Molin fangirl. This track is my favourite Wintergatan thing I’ve heard so far. It’s utterly magical. At no point during the 14 minutes (!) do I get remotely bored. The music flows seamlessly from one change to another, but without being predictable in any way. (The sexy guitars at the end were NOT something I was expecting upon my first listen! ).

For my upcoming berfdee, I will be treating myself to some physical CD’s of theirs from their website ( if they are still available! I hope!). Mp3’s are available for download, but I like having a physical copy of the stuff I really love. I tend to forget to back up files on my ‘puter, or, I back them up and lose the thing I backed them up on.

Anyhoo, this is included in my list not just because it’s amazing, but because although he’ll never know it, M.M. is directly responsible for me feeling the spark of musical inspiration again after a period of total apathy towards my musical instruments. I’ve been playing guitar again, drumming again, and, thanks to his very easy-to-follow tutorial on how to play the Marble Machine Piano Version, I can almost play that through without mistakes now ( which is saying something, because I really suck at keys). This mightn’t mean much to anybody else, but I’ve been feeling pretty lost lately, and this sort of thing is a great ( and necessary) distraction from my sadness.

Now, over to you! ( If you want )

iRrEgUlAr

IrregularWeb

I didn’t like this particular drawing for while, but now I’ve changed my mind.

This was done the same night as THIS one, and the same reference photo was used for both, believe it or not. Of course, given that I didn’t look at the paper whilst doing the initial sketches, I’d be very surprised if they ended up the same.

*biro, watercolour pencils, posca paint pen*

Irrelevant: Most creative things I do in the wee hours when I can’t sleep. I do a lot of not sleeping. I never slept much, even as a child. I only sleep properly when I take a pill that makes me do so. Last night was one of those nights, and I dreamed that a small folk music festival was happening in my backyard. I’d just woken up, and was making coffee. There was a guy in my loungeroom looking cold, so I put the ducted heating on. But when I pressed the button, instead of the temperature coming up on the little LCD screen, I was instead presented with the cryptic words : “Brush the bun”.  I was vaguely amused for a moment, but then I looked outside and saw a tent, and realised that Loungeroom Guy had slept outside in the freezing cold. I felt bad for not inviting him to sleep indoors. Outside, a husband and wife team attempted to make off with my stained glass lampshade. The lady was super apathetic about the whole thing, and said I’d have to chase down her hubs if I wanted it back. I asked the lady what hubby’s name was. “It’s Trevor,” she said. So I yelled at Trevor to stop right there. He did, and we argued. I said the stained glass thing had a lot of sentimental value to me, and that he could take the stand if he left the shade behind. He didn’t agree, so I made a grab for it. He resisted for a moment, but then relented. We parted ways- me with my stained glass; Trevor with a new lamp stand- both of us in tears for unknown reasons. Then I woke up.

 

I searched everywhere but couldn’t find it

isearchedeverywhereWEB

 

Maybe it’s under a hidden dimension or something…

*biro, food dye, paint pen, chalk, and digital colour/ element manipulation*

I can’t figure out if I like this or whether it just looks like cheesy cliched hipster art. Maybe a bit of both. The person is supposed to look as though she’s knocking on the “door” of another universe. Not sure how successful that was….in the reference photo I used, the lady is emptying a packet of seeds, so I just omitted that, and hoped for the best. The more I look at it, the more I think it looks like two people trying unsuccessfully to have a game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’. Oh well. I guess I wouldn’t really be staying true to style if something wasn’t a bit off kilter! lt felt good to actually focus on a drawing for more than 2 minutes, however (focus was aided by a lovely tune or two) . And, technical flaws notwithstanding, I got across what I wanted to get across, and I kinda feel like drawing a bit more now, so all in all: YAY.

 

Feelgood Friday

More ( quite short, this time) videos that make me happy in my face ( even my cranky nostrils and restless eyebrows).

Exhibit A: A Sea Otter pup playing in the water and being cute and fluffy as fuck. LOOK at his little arms. They’re so SHORT and PUFFY.  And the WHISKERS. Listen to how SQUEAKY he is. I dare you not to explode from exposure to such infuriating levels of cuteness. I’m still picking little bits of me out of the carpet from the first time I watched this video.

Exhibit B: Something I’m certain I posted several times when I was still using Facehook. I’ve tried watching it with and without wine, and have discovered that no matter what my sobriety level, I can’t watch it without my eyes leaking. And it’s just a VIDEO. If I saw that *In Real Life* I’d be a mess. It’s too beautiful. You’ve probably already seen this vid, but I think it’s just magical, and therefore worth watching more than once. The music these ladies have used for the soundtrack is just perfect, too ( ” Murmuration” by Nomad Soul. It’s really gorgeous; you should check it out in full ) . Anyway, nature is amazing, and we should remember that from time to time.

Merry fuzzy friday to ya xx

2 very positive, decidedly bullshit-free videos which demonstrate the importance of connection and creativity.

When it comes to videos and articles on the subject of positivity, I feel that things can get very wishy-washy very quickly. All too often, it can end up on the New Age side of things, with some smug, self-styled wannabe guru spewing out lazy, dismissive, pseudo advice, which has neither substance nor practical Real Life applicability. Alternatively, you can find yourself confronted with yet another well meaning but painfully oversimplistic, cliched “look in the mirror and say ‘I love you!'” type peptalk that makes you want to throw  things  or up or both. Either way, such “advice” can leave you feeling pretty far from positive. And that’s a bit shit.

These two videos that I’m posting below are absolutely NOT like that at all, which is why I’m suggesting them to anybody with a spare half-hour or so who might be feeling the need for something that warms the heart instead of the gallbladder. These vids are not only refreshingly free of bullshit, they also feature really inspiring, unpretentious human beings who genuinely love what they do.

The first video is a Ted Talk by Barbara Sher. I watched this a week or so ago, and it really inspired me. Barbara Sher is a delight, and if I saw her in the street I’d probably run up and hug her (after asking permission and apologising for my forwardness, of course!). Her talk gave me a laugh, food for thought, and hope (especially regarding human kindness and generosity). All things I’m most definitely up for any time.

We need more of this stuff.  We need to hear more stories about people helping one another. It happens! Good things happen all the time, but we rarely get to hear about them. Yes, bad things happen too, but if that’s ALL we ever hear about, ( I’m looking at YOU, mainstream media..) then we forget about the human potential for kindness, compassion, and empathy. As a result, instead of looking out for one another, we close off and embrace the old “dog-eat-dog” competition mentality, which is, in my opinion, destructive, unproductive, and severely outdated.

The second video is something I watched just this evening. It’s by the infinitely loveable Martin Molin, who I’ve mentioned on here before. I’m not just posting it because Martin radiates goodness so intensely that I get the same feeling watching him that I would if  I got to cuddle baby sea otters all day, then went home afterwards only to discover that my cat could suddenly play scrabble. I’m also posting it for the fact that the Wintergatan fan community seem like a big bunch of sweethearts who get really excited about creativity and problem solving, then network to find solutions in a harmonious, non-competitive way.  There are several WW videos I’ve seen now which demonstrate this networking, and it’s really lovely to see such cooperation and shared excitement. It’s also just really nice to hear MM’s views on creativity, connection, and mainstream media, which resonate so strongly with my own sentiments- and clearly, the sentiments of many others out there.

Although Barbara’s video demonstrates connection in a different way to Martin’s, both share the same idea of banding together to create solutions in a creative, positive, unselfish way, and also suggest what might be achieved if such practices are applied on a larger scale.

Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough now.  The videos get their points across much better than I can! If you do get a little bit of time, give them a looky. If they gave me some hopeful feels, maybe they will do so for you too.

Lotsa love xx