The Tap

Day 1:


Needed a break from the monotony of unpacking. Decided to go for stroll around new neighbourhood; check out the sites. On way out, noticed strange fixture on hallway wall. Have no recollection of seeing this during initial inspection. Utterly perplexed.



Didn’t end up leaving the house at all. Still weirded out by this thing; need to get to the bottom of it.



It’s just a tap handle. But that’s the thing. It’s JUST a tap handle. Completely isolated upon the wall; the actual tap component nowhere to be seen.

Perhaps builder was making some type of postmodern statement. Or maybe it was functional at one point, but renovations since made, and somehow tap handle was overlooked somehow.

But why so high up?  Have to get on tippy toes just to reach it. Were original inhabitants really tall?

Tap handle confusing and annoying.

Tried looking around the house to see whether there’s a tap anywhere without a handle which may correspond to hall handle, but to no avail.



Just read over all that. Maybe I need a hobby.

Time to stop obsessing over irrelevant crap and go get something done.



Am probably being neurotic, but tap handle is freaking me out. Was almost quaint and quirky during the day, but now that it’s dark, it’s taken on a sinister vibe.



Just read over that. How can a tap handle be sinister? I need to get out more.



Phoned Liam. He says not to worry about it. Says I’m being silly and that random tap handle on wall is hilarious.

Will Liam forget me now that I’m here? He didn’t sound that sad over the phone about me moving away. I bet that annoying April skank is rubbing her skanky little hands together.



Just read over that. Sounds a little catty. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever seen April flirting with Liam.

She is a skank, though.



Wanted to watch a movie then go to bed, but can’t find the DVD’s. Wish I could remember which box they’re in.

Nothing but static on telly.



Static was apparently long, boring, experimental film about getting pins and needles.

Went on facebook, but no real friends online.

Posted status update anyway.  Wrote: “Am I the only one who finds this weird??” With pic of tap handle.

No responses yet.

April has new profile pic. Of course, she’s posing in a bikini. Pic looks photoshopped to me. Caption says: “My hair looks SO bad today! LOL”.


Typed “Yes, it does.”

Felt rude and deleted it. Logged off.

I hate facebook. Maybe I’ll just delete my account.

Tap Handle is still freaking me out and if Liam’s name is amongst the “like”s under April’s PP, then I’ll know he’s cheating on me with her.




Just read over what I last wrote. Maybe tiredness makes me jump to conclusions.

Time for sleep.

Maybe just one more FB check first.

April has commented on my tap pic:  “Haha, your a riot, girl!  😀 ❤ “.

“*YOU’RE”, I reply.

Then feel rude; delete it. Write “haha, thx lovely; i do try 😉 Love you! ❤ ❤ <3” instead.

God, she’s such a fake tho.




Can’t sleep. That bloody tap thing. Is there a secret camera in it or something? Because I had to walk past it on the way to the loo again, and…I know it sounds stupid to say, but……I really felt like it was watching me the whole time.

Got up on a chair to take a closer look. Doesn’t look like there’s a hidden camera there or anything. It just looks like a regular tap handle….. except up high on a wall all by itself for no apparent reason.

Feel an overwhelming desire to turn it to see what happens, but am afraid of the possible consequences. What if built-in-wardrobe suddenly becomes flooded or something?

What if it was put there by spies, and turning it is some sort of secret sign to go ahead with something untoward somewhere far away? Like, what if I turned it, and the next day there’s an evil, sundried Orangutan with a basic grasp of the alphabet in charge of a whole country or something?

Ok, that’s a bit unrealistic. But why is it so…spooky? Is it normal for a tap handle to be spooky?

Maybe I’m going mad.

Maybe it’s just the stress of moving; the unfamiliar environment; the nagging doubts about the boyfriend situation.

I really want a snack, but I forgot to go shopping before so all I have is cereal and some bay leaves I brought here from the old flat. And that awful cheap champagne Tilly gave me.





Tilly’s chm,p[ange not too bAD actually.

Watched stupid infomercialses and ate cereals out of the packet. Thinking about buying a motorised swirling spaghetti fork. Takes the misery  out of eating basghetti. Protects  wrists from RSI, plus playS  amusing tune while you eat! ( You know- the one about a meatball that rolls away) . SO cool. I’d never get sick of that. Comes with  24 free  gold carrots on a necklace. And if you buy 2, you get a bath mat that looks like a face.


That guy on the ad  was sorta hot too. Kinda like santa, but when he was young and sexy. He can empty his sack into my chimney any day if ya know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge, eh? eh? ..I’m naughty AND nice, hahahaha. I liked the way he said  “Aaaaand, that’s not all!”. Saucy. I’d twirl his spaghetti any day if ya know what I mean.

Dunno wht i mean

Whatevers. If it doesn’t work out with Liam I’m gonna try for a beardy fella. Never had a beard.

Checked fakebook. Doesn’t look like Liam’s been on.

Took selfie of myself holding my Aries mug  full of champagne. I look actually pretty cute in my cowprint onesie pyjamas actually.

Posted selfie to Tilly’s wall with the caption: “Tillyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Best moo-ving present EVVAAAA!!!!”

(Get it? ‘Moo-ving’- ’cause I’m moving, but also ’cause my PJ’s have a cow pattern! Hahaha!)

SEE, April? I can be sexy too! I’m sexy cos I’m confident, see? I don’t conform to ANY type of stereo- i’m above that- ijust don’t care. See?  I don’t care about being hot, therefore Im hot! My awesome personality is what makes ME sexyy. I am NICE and FUNNY and LOVELY person. So I hope you die in a shit lake you fuckin cow.

Liam dunna ‘preciate wot ‘e got ‘ere eh. Fuck ‘im! FUCK ‘IM eh!

Feelng a bit sick



Why’s evthing so SHIT?

My head hurts an im thirsty andim just gonna bcome a NUN ffs  WHY r men so suprficioal and WHO putta TAP on my WALLs????!!! Focken STUPIF.

Nooooooooo chmpgn LEFT (or right hahahahahahaa)

I wnder if the ‘C’ on th tap handel stands fr “CRAP” instead of  “COLD”, and it’s turnd on FULLfull pressure and I don even know

Is not. Fwell off chair. Owchy elbow and head and hip

but no mattr – got back up turned it on to see if anthing happn.


Must go bed. Hungry, but. Wonder what happens if  eat a bay leav. Evrything ouch



Day 2.






Not only do I have the MOST brutal hangover in history, ( and bruises everywhere-what the hell???)  I just realised Tilly has her FB wall comments set to public.

Drunk in cow-print PJ’s under a fluorescent light isn’t the most flattering look on me.

Tilly has commented “All class 😉 👌 “.

Liam has commented “Dork. Miss you <3”. Which I suppose is nice.

And of course, April has commented “10/10, WOULD BANG “.

Condescending slag. What is with all this fake nice crap???  All this: “how cute are you?”, and “such a gorgeous gal ❤ ” and “I’d go out with you” and “crushing hard…. </3 ” all over my damn FB wall and photos. And generally right after Liam writes something first…..Why doesn’t she just outright proposition my boyfriend right in front of me already?? FFS.

Heaps of peeps ‘liking’ this pic though. Reassuring to know there are people out there who actually appreciate a sense of humour, instead of just being shallow bastards obsessed with boobs.

What’s this?….Someone calling himself  “The Keithinator”  has sent me a friend request, and a message saying ” U R Qt. 😉  A/S/(hopefully 😉 ) L?”. In his profile pic he’s wearing dark sunglasses and a T-shirt that says ” SEX INSTRUCTOR- FIRST LESSON FREE”  on the front.


Another one. Calls himself ‘Big Donno’. Has PM’d: “If u need milking im yr farmer 😉 ”

Double ewwwwww. Wtf is with all the creepers??

Oh, crap. Just noticed that one of the pyjama buttons isn’t done up properly in the photo, and my nipple is showing.

So much for faith in the human race.



Pic deleted;  sleazy creeps blocked. Maybe I really will delete my account.


Oh well. One positive is that I couldn’t care less about the stupid wall tap anymore. It obviously doesn’t do anything.

Going back to bed for the rest of the day. Tomorrow is a new day, blah blah, etc. etc. The world will go on as ever before, and nothing really is ever of lasting consequence.








30 thoughts on “The Tap

    • Cheersles; i’m glad you enjoyed. It’s a bit dumb, but that’s my forte, after all. Really wish i’d taken more time on the newspaper article- want to fix a few things there…but newspaper articles are so often atrociously written, so maybe it works 😉
      Fun fact: there is a mystery tap handle much like the one described here in my house, and ’twas the inspiration for this wee tale. Absolutely baffled as to what it’s for. I don’t have the nerve to turn it, just in case….

      Liked by 3 people

      • you shouldn’t feel bad about your writing skills at any time – do you tend to dismantle yourself when having ‘a weak moment’. if I could ‘perma-assure’ you, I’d gladly do so. then again, maybe that is how it works with artistic types and makes us want to keep improving. so if you feel low about your skills sometimes, attribute it to your mood rather than any supposed fact (niggly voice in your head) and your actual skill. next time you’re writing you may have improved already. or you’ll find something from a while back and will be pleasantly surprised and wonder what made you tear into yourself. just don’t be too hard on yourself.
        I was not going to allow myself the diversion of reading your piece, but started, thought, ok, I’ll finish this later, hold on, just a wee bit more, this is fun, what will she do next.. and then, oh, all done, too bad, already finished…

        Liked by 1 person

      • Aww, thankyou. I tend to agree; the feeling of not being good at something can really push us to better ourselves. Although i watched an interview with the lovely Shaun Micallef a few weeks back, in which he stated the very opposite. He proposed that it’s a good thing to overestimate your talents, purely because this way you take risks. And then, if you fail, it helps you to define your limitations. I’d never thought of it this way, but it makes sense! Just look at all the mediocre “talents” who’ve had books published; acted in TV and film; made musical albums. Confidence is probably more crucial to success than talent ever was.
        That being said, i heard Graham Linehan in an interview expressing sentiments similar to ours here. Both are successful, talented, and intelligent dudes, so….i guess there’s merit in both. I guess the thing that links the two viewpoints is that both still regard the investigation into one’s own limitations as important …they just offer different ways of going about it.
        Anyway, ramble ramble.
        Oh, goody! Further much needed encouragement! I’m very glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for reading 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Great reading – had me curious, captured, enthralled and caught in the stream …. I’d have to pick either Maple Syrup or Gravy for Poutine – it being an early Saturday morning and I’m hungry. 😉 Great character 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thankyou so much for these lovely words! Mmmmm… I did find myself fancying some chips ‘n’gravy when I was writing. I could easily go me some maple syrup, though. (I’m hungry now, and i’m supposed to be going to bed! Damnit.)
      Thankings! I’m glad you like the character. She’s basically a caricature of myself when insecurities and unsubstantiated fears get the better of me. Very flawed, but hopefully relatable in her human-ness 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • oh completely real she is …. and I love the immediacy of this piece …. definitely has that Bridget Jones feel, but with a kick ass twist – which makes it all the better 😉

        Sorry, didn’t mean to set the stomach growling, but it was the damn newspaper article – and fun touch with the Alanis Morissette lyrics!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Aww, thankyou 🙂 I’m the glad the twist could be described in such a way, too. I may have to do some slight tweaking on the newspaper article, but apart from that, i’m glad it all came across as i wanted it to- to the few people who’ve read it so far, anyway 😉
        Ah, i was hoping people would notice the Alanis reference. It possibly won’t make sense to people who weren’t teenagers in the 90’s…..but with any luck it won’t make too much difference to the actual story ( fingers crossed!)
        All good- i’m the one who initially brought up the subject of gravy, after all 😉 *runs off to make super healthy late night mash and gravy*

        Liked by 1 person

      • LOL@super healthy late night mash and gravy ….. ummmmm yummmmmmmmmmmm!

        (yeah and tomorrow we diet? 😉 as if …. )

        It’s a great piece …. and lots of run – just the type of reading material I enjoy 🙂

        I wasn’t a teenager in the 90’s – older than that, but that song became a bit of cult classic, so most people either way would most likely know it – and it works well in the article!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Alas, i had no gravy! Had to do a frustratey 180 and opt for noodles. Wasn’t as good. But hey, just as unhealthy 😉
        True, it was pretty famous. And given that most younguns probably now know more about the 90’s than i do myself ( now that the 90’s are considered “retro”) with any luck, most would get the reference.
        Cheers again!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I drove myself mad – wanted fries (chips) and gravy – but no gravy …. and all I kept seeing was ads for exactly what I wanted ……… arghhh! So yeah, I can totally relate.

        Hope you have a great week 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s