sad sketchy sunday

deerigami.jpg

It took a lot of effort to convince myself to draw today. I no longer seem to derive any joy from it, which is a shame, seeing as I used to do quite a bit of arty stuff ( here; let me prove it).  Where does that passion and enthusiasm go, I wonder? Well, actually, I don’t wonder. I know very well that it gets swallowed up by the ravenous parasite that is Depression. It’s the reason behind my inability to reclaim/retain enthusiasm for anything for longer than 5 minutes, and also the cause of the dust on my guitars, the withdrawal of my friendship from others, and the panic that my options in life are running out; the day  the last ship sails- leaving me behind for good- rapidly drawing near.

Pardon the Debbie Downerism in this space which I generally reserve for the convenient escapism of nonsense and absurdity. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to achieve from it save  the vague chance that it will prove relatable in some way, thus somehow providing for myself -and the people who do relate- some sort of reassurance that the experience isn’t purely a solo one.

Anyway, this drawing may not have been any fun to do, but it is nice to have some sort of evidence of having made an effort. When effort is possible, it can’t be too bad. Sending my love to anybody out there struggling with similar. Lord knows we’re only really allowed to exist on The Internet ( and then, only in certain shadowy corners) , so the least we can do is acknowledge one another on this one safe bullshit-free corner we seem to have here.

 

 

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19 thoughts on “sad sketchy sunday

  1. I love that picture! It’s simple, but has something beautiful and sad about it. Maybe all that your feeling is going into there, even the fact that he’s an origami mouse (or big eared dog?), but looks like he wants to scuttle away. I’m sorry you’re feeling the blues right now, I hope they skulk out again, or you find a way to chase them away; they don’t belong.

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    • Fanx so much. I too hope these blues go away ASAP. I’m quite used to them, but i definitely like happy me much better than sad me. Probably just lamenting the fact that i’m getting older, too. The upside is that i finally figured out what i’m here for, but the downside is the panicking that i don’t have enough time left to carry out my plans, or that the efforts will prove fruitless, in which case nothing but extra regret will be waiting for me. I don’t know. I’ve a nasty habit of comparing myself to those i admire, and it’s a surefire way of making myself feel shit about everything! Very self destructive.
      Anyway, thankyou again. The origami animal is meant to be a deer, but i think it looks more like a fennec fox or something. Glad ya like it 🙂

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  2. Yes, creating isn’t always possible. I get low times. Sometimes you just feel that it’s too difficult, and you haven’t got it in you. The right frame of mind makes a huge difference. And when you add depression into the usual creative dry times, things do become harder. But in fact the art IS always there, waiting for a little encouragement, a spark, so you can drag yourself by the scruff of the neck and get on with it as you did today.

    And what a striking drawing you’ve produced! I think how you’re feeling has come over in your choice of subject, giving it an attractive melancholy. I love the black background (hehe) and the light on his ear, nose and shoulder (this is an aardvark, right? 😉 ) and your choice of colours, which really play off each other. I’m also enjoying the vertical shading of the background – it’s unusual, but it really works.

    My dad used to say that creative people are not cart-horses, bred to plod slowly day after day: they are racehorses which must be rested, fed and cosseted between events. And I do subscribe to that idea. Sometimes we need just to relax and have some time out, either intentionally or otherwise. So, take some time to do what makes you feel a little better, whatever helps. The creativity will be there for you when you’re ready to run again.

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  3. Aww, thankyou for such a thoughtful comment.
    I tend to agree; the creativity does indeed still exist somewhere…sometimes it just hides away somewhere secret for a rest- much to our frustration.
    yep, making use of the black paper sketchbook 🙂 For people who are more interested in lines, i can see why white backgrounds appeal, but for those of us concerned more with the way light affects form, then it just seems to make more sense to begin with darkness and add light.
    True, i think; sometimes we do just need to sit out for a bit and await inspiration’s return! I know that some people say to push on regardless, and whilst sometimes that IS necessary, i also feel that the batteries need to be recharged occasionally. Plus, i often find that the best ideas come when you’re doing something else and not actually looking for them. Hoping my nightly viewings of silly, gorgeous, British comedians on dvd will help to alleviate despondence and relocate my creativity!
    Thanks again ^_^

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      • Not Eddie, actually- although he is lovely 😉 At the moment i’ve gone back in time to the “That Mitchell and Webb look” days. They’re just gorgeous. Although i’m probably a naughty mum for letting my 8 yr old watch some of it too, i take great delight in the fact that she now shares my love of Numberwang. I put some toast on for her yesterday, and when it popped up, she announced “That’s toastwang!”. Her world has now become an endless, joyous source of words on which to attach the suffix “wang”. It’s a good outcome 🙂 Blackadder will be next, i think. I’m feeling the need for some Lord Flash.

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  4. It’s a beautiful drawing, whose impact is only heightened by your commentary. The touch of light really adds something to it; hope, perhaps?

    I’m very much in the same boat as yourself, and I too have those times when nothing presents itself as entertaining or interesting. I find inspiration creeps back up on us in time (though indeed it often gets a shot in the arm from fellow bloggers – that’s the main reason I expend so much time on here). But until then, indulge in all that entertains and stimulates – if that involves agreeable British comedians, then why not? Though, naturally, I’m using ‘agreeable’ loosely unless a certain Mr. Howard is included! 😉 Basically, what Rebecca wrote! Seriously though, you’re definitely not alone – I wish you all the best.

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    • Yes, i remember our discussion on one of your posts in which you described the importance of speaking up and reaching out re: depression. Indeed, the blogging community can act as a bit of a lifeline for us. I’m ever grateful for that.
      Haha, i still haven’t got around to checking out Mr. Howard’s material! I will though- promise!
      Thankyou for the kind and supportive comment 🙂 I *try* not to talk about my gloomier moods too much, as i know that everybody is fighting their own battles, and that ultimately, nobody but me can get me through my own. But it definitely feels less lonely knowing that others empathise.It’s also a source of comfort knowing that i can be there to lend an ear for others too when necessary. I often wish i had the eloquence and consistency required to write actual proper articles regarding mental health. There’s not a lot of support out there beyond the online world, and the resources that ARE there are often hard for people to access, especially as doing so generally requires the very motivation and basic functioning that depression robs an individual of.
      Anyway, cheers again. I do promise to extend my knowledge of Brit comedians!

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      • A lifeline most definitely. If it weren’t for you chaps I’d be spending most of my time talking to cats.

        Yes, I also wish I could do more to help. I’m hoping that on reaching some sort of recovery… whenever that is… that I’ll regain sufficient confidence to be able to do that somehow, to try and spin it all into something worthwhile and positive. We all need to look after each other and sharing experiences will be key to pushing forward.

        Do enjoy your Brit funnies, whoever’s on the bill this time around!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, I already spend a lot of time talking to my cat. Cats are good to talk to. There’s no bullshit with those fellas. But also no words, on the downside. Human communication definitely necessary.
        Absolutely; shared experience is a crucial element of the healing process. In general, too. As Jung so astutely pointed out, loneliness isn’t a product of not being surrounded by people. It’s a product of not being able to communicate the things that are important to you. That seems such a no-brainer, but if I had a dollar for every time someone told me my problems stem from not being “social enough” (ugh), I’d be able to buy an entire room full of printer ink. It’s no good being social with people who think you’re a freak! Sigh. Anyway. Thank christ for frank, open, online discussion, that’s all I can say!
        yep, I will, always 😀

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      • This is very true – I do love cats. They’re such comedians! Lots of them seem to trust me, which I take as a great honour. Also, it’s reassuring in that it puts me in good stead should a Bengal tiger make an unannounced visit.

        Oh yes, I’ve had no end of people say that and similar to me aswell. Ugh. It does grate when people throw such ‘advice’ around, and indeed only endears me more to people who can relate or at least listen. Thank goodness for the interweb!

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      • “just go and hang out with some people that you’re completely incompatible with, whose company causes you to feel alienated- it’ll be fun, and won’t exacerbate the feelings of isolation AT ALL” ! haha.
        You’re a cat whisperer ( that’s what I like to think I am, too 😉 ). Yes indeedy; if a tiger or panther or something should turn up on your doorstep, you’ll know what to do. ( I’m imagining a mass escape of big cats from the zoo, and the zookepers find them all curled up in your house in front of the fire/ heater/ in various cardboard boxes)

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      • I know, isn’t it madness!?

        Haha! Oh, that would so be the case. My mother actually got to hold a tiger cub at a zoo once. I am inordinately jealous of this.

        Playing in boxes is a lot of fun, and cats certainly know this, don’t they! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J11uu8L8FTY This is great! I want Ares. Well, I’d like them all, honestly, but I think Ares particularly beautiful.

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      • Awww, a tiger cub! I’ll join you in that jealousy.
        Oh my! Fanx for that link; how bloody adorable! >.< They are all so beautiful. It's lovely to see them play 🙂 Joy/ a sense of fun is a natural thing that is not supposed to be grown out of! Animals understand this. Play is necessary for health. I suspect that humans would be a healthier species if such things were valued more. Too many humans seem to hold the belief that anything fun is childish and /or frivolous. I have opposing beliefs. I think a capacity for fun is the key to life. Life imposes enough seriousness upon us already without us searching for more to cling to. My appreciation for humour borders on reverence. It's really a lifesaver- literally. It's a great perspective shifter. As are videos of animals being cute. It sounds silly, but how much better do you feel even after watching stuff like that vid you just linked? Feeling good feels good! Without it, life is nothing but a chore. Anyway, i've bookmarked that so i can show my daughter later.She's even more cat crazy than i am. Cheers muchly for the cheerup! 😀

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      • Aw, so glad you enjoyed the video – indeed, I’ve watched it countless times and it always makes me smile. I particularly enjoy how the tigers amble over as a pair and investigate together – so very cute!

        I totally agree with what you say – playfulness should never be discouraged. Animals are definitely ahead of us on that score.

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